Frustration abounds.

Yep. I've reached an ugly point in this Ph.D. process. It's hard. it's frustrating. I want to quit. Or rather, I say that I want to quit. What I want most is to FINISH. And then I want to teach. I know that the only way to teach (without being exploited as an adjunct) is to finish this damn degree.

I received my "Thanks, but no thanks." email from my interview with Hobart and William Smith's Centennial Center for Leadership, which is A.O.K. with me. That interview was doomed from the start and it wasn't a position in which I was really invested in landing. So, that's out of the way.

I've had a roller coaster of a week with plenty of downs and a couple of ups. Hoping this coming week brings many more ups and much more productivity. I have done nothing school related in over two weeks. No writing. No reading. No editing. Nada. That has to change this week.

I came across this picture this morning...

And I had to ask myself, "Are you going to let it melt all over your hand or are you going to get it done?"

Update on comps.

Nothing to update.

Still.

Waiting.

The Process of Writing

Writing has always been something I've loved. Those who know me are familiar with the name "Mrs. Pung." She was my junior high and high school English teacher when I was in Newfield and the influence she's had on my life is indescribable. I always loved words and books and all things with letters, but my writing didn't really start to develop until she mentored me in seventh grade. I still have many of the pieces I wrote; everything from poetry to Literary Magazines to essays. I loved those early pieces of writing and know they built the foundation for what was to come later in life.

Then, in college, I was exposed to freshman writing and the intense literature searches and reviews that happen for term papers. One of the greatest writing lessons came from one of my health education professors who simply "You use too many words" on the bottom of one of my papers. He had crossed out every extraneous "that" "the" "this" on my paper. I was stunned at how well my paper read without the extra words and it's a mantra when I write now. "Too many words."

As I've embarked on this crazy idea of a Ph.D. the level of writing has been intense. Course work required a large amount of writing, but completing the comprehensive exams is a whole new ball game. The time, energy, focus, and dedication that it takes is remarkable. I've learned that when I write I get in the zone - no extra noise, no cell phones, no web browser open (unless it's on google scholar or another database). I can't eat while I write and I can't be distracted. Literally, when I choose a day as a writing day I am in silence all day. All that is heard is the click clack of the keyboard. I can't have anything extra around me.

And so, if you are trying to reach me and I don't pick up or you've emailed me and I haven't answered it isn't likely that I've run off to Canada. I am probably just stuck upstairs at my massive work station writing to save my life.

Don't take it personally. Belle doesn't.

SRCD Poster

Here is the poster I presented at SRCD. It is quite basic, but leaves room for further study expansion....not that you can read it from here!

The Hendrix, Joplin, Vaughn, Stones, and Beatles of Human Development.

I can't believe I forgot to mention this in my previous post...

There are some things in life that leave your jaw hanging to the floor. Events so momentous that it's surreal. People become unlikely "rock stars" when you are a geek, and that's what happened for me at the SRCD conference.

A few semesters back I was required to take Research in Life Course Studies as part of the core curriculum for my degree. What the hell is "Life Course Studies and how is it different from everything else I've learned?" was my initial thought. And then the semester was over and I was captured by this way of thinking. It was everything that I believed all rolled into one approach. Life Course theory posits:

- Development is continuous, rather than stage based (like Piaget proposed) and continues across the life span. Development doesn't stop at adolescence, and adolescence doesn't stop at the age of 18.

-Timing matters. When an event occurs has a great impact on the individual. For instance, poverty faced by very young children fare worse than when poverty occurs in adolescence.

-People have agency that allows them to change their trajectories in life. Just because someone comes from something really good, doesn't mean that it will stay really good just because. Their life choices impacts their trajectory.

-Development is based on linked lives. People impact each other and decisions have a ripple effect on those around us.

This theory was first proposed by Glen Elder as a young academic at the University of California - Berkeley. He had longitudinal data that followed two cohorts of children raised during the Great Depression; one group age 8 and over and one group under the age of 1 at the beginning if the depression. Following their careers, service in World War II, family development, marriages, etc. he developed this theory and it has strongly impacted the way that sociologists, developmental psychologists, and human developers view human development. It has especially impacted the study of the impact of poverty on children, a topic for which I am passionate. If I weren't studying adolescent relationships I would be studying rural poverty (and likely will some day).

So, back to the story...

Friday morning I walk in to hear three papers presented on life course studies in child development. I sit down at a table and sitting at the very next table over is Glen Elder. GLEN ELDER. And then walks in Rich Lerner. And then Jeanne Brooks-Gunn (who has been CRAZY influential on my own thinking and research). Jackie Eccles was supposed to be there, but had to cancel last minute. I could not believe it. Although it wasn't publicized as such, it was a session to honor the work of Elder and to explore the magnitude of the impact it's had on contemporary research. It was an incredible experience and I just kept thinking to myself "This is like having Hendrix, Joplin, and Vaugh in the same room." I could not believe it.

I embrace my geekiness and I hope you will, too!

Montreal? Oui! Oui!

It's under my belt; my first academic conference. I've been to many professional conferences fo a variety or jobs (tobacco prevention/policy, college peer education, healthy communities/healthy youth, after school...), but I had never been to a fully academic, research driven conference. It was the answer to question that always came up for me at the professional conferences..."Where's the research driving this practice, policy, program, etc?" There was rarely original research or studies mentioned at the professional conferences. This past week answered the question for me. The research is at places like the biannual Society for Research in Child Development conference (SRCD), which interestingly left me asking the question "Where's the practical application of this? What's the value of the research?" It's odd to be straddling the line right now between program and research, but it's one that I enjoy.

Since my research focus is on adolescent relationships, most of my time was spent listening to recent research on the development of dating and romantic relationships for young people. When I looked at the program like the SRCD conference I had an overwhelming feeling that I didn't have an original thought in my head. Although authentic exploration of the development of adolescent dating relationships is only a decade old, not much has been done since 1999, although there is some. When proposing dissertation work the idea is to extend an old project, address a "gap in the literature," or apply a study to a new context. I was concerned that my research didn't meet any of these three areas. After sitting through many presentations concerning adolescent research I was reassured concerning the direction of my research. Although we know much about middle and late adolescent relationships (and sex, and alcohol use, and partner violence), we know little about the transition from same-sex friendships to early dating relationships, especially when considering the role of gender in these transitions.

As I face the completion of my comprehensive exams, I must start thinking about designing my study. The proposal comes next, followed by the proposal defense. It isn't until that point that I can begin my dissertation work and start collecting data, i.e. "the fun stuff."

It's exhausting work and unless you've been through it, you can't fully understand the demands of working on a dissertation. It's (as I've mentioned previously) a selfish project, because it requires it to be so. Every thought triggers an approach, a question, or a new research domain; the brain never turns off. There is guilt when writing doesn't happen. There is an ever-pressing need to keep moving to maintain the momentum that comes with all things Ph.D. I am busier now than I was when I was working full-time. And I like it.

I've always known that I would someday complete a doctorate, or rather I hoped that I would. I come from stock that doesn't necessarily "get" or value formal education. They've learned what they know from getting up early, working hard, using their hands, making resources stretch....and I respect that, but it's not my way. My thinking has gotten me into trouble more than once and I expect that it will continue to get me in some trouble along the way.

And so I've returned from Montreal exhausted, but recharged. I am reassured in my topic and question and know that what I am doing is important work. It might not be important to everyone in my life, but it's important to me. And that's what matters right now.