I am Penn State.

I am having a hard time grappling with the news of Penn State administrators' inactions regarding the allegations of child sexual abuse by the former defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. I've been rolling this around in my head and reading what others are posting on social media sites; things like the denouncement of their degrees or the erasure of the Penn State name from profiles. Are these public denouncements going to make a difference in the case?

Child abuse is reprehensible in any circumstance and the covering of child sexual abuse is deplorable. According to the grand jury documents, Sandusky used his position with The Second Mile to prey on and victimize underprivileged children and adolescents. McQueary's inaction to stop the actions of Sandusky in the shower is mind-numbing. How does one turn away from that without taking action? I understand that it is shocking; something you hope to never witness in your lifetime. How do you at least not gasp? Or yell? Or ask what the hell he is doing? How do you not say something to make it stop? Every detail is not outlined in the documents and many will be lost in memory, translation, and the retelling of events. I hope that McQueary at least murmured something....

I am a first generation college graduate. Specifically, I am a graduate of the College of Health and Human Development at The Pennsylvania State University (i.e., Penn State). I will not denounce my degree, nor will I be ashamed to be associated with Penn State in any way. The inactions of the administrators are inexcusable, but to say that I am embarrassed to be a Penn State alumna would be false. To say that I am embarrassed of the education I received would be to say that I am ashamed of those who taught me, including Drs. Maney, Mahoney, Olsen, Koch... The list goes on.

Further, to denounce Penn State or to be ashamed of the school is to be ashamed of all it stands for and the history it has created. Are you embarrassed by THON and the work the medical center has done to further cancer research for children? Are you embarrassed by the contributions that Penn State researchers have made in the field of agriculture? Or in human development? Or in engineering? Or in the arts and sciences?

I am mortified by the actions of Sandusky and the administrators, but I will not be ashamed of my education.

Penn State, Class of 1997.

Frustration abounds.

Yep. I've reached an ugly point in this Ph.D. process. It's hard. it's frustrating. I want to quit. Or rather, I say that I want to quit. What I want most is to FINISH. And then I want to teach. I know that the only way to teach (without being exploited as an adjunct) is to finish this damn degree.

I received my "Thanks, but no thanks." email from my interview with Hobart and William Smith's Centennial Center for Leadership, which is A.O.K. with me. That interview was doomed from the start and it wasn't a position in which I was really invested in landing. So, that's out of the way.

I've had a roller coaster of a week with plenty of downs and a couple of ups. Hoping this coming week brings many more ups and much more productivity. I have done nothing school related in over two weeks. No writing. No reading. No editing. Nada. That has to change this week.

I came across this picture this morning...

And I had to ask myself, "Are you going to let it melt all over your hand or are you going to get it done?"

Update on comps.

Nothing to update.

Still.

Waiting.

The Process of Writing

Writing has always been something I've loved. Those who know me are familiar with the name "Mrs. Pung." She was my junior high and high school English teacher when I was in Newfield and the influence she's had on my life is indescribable. I always loved words and books and all things with letters, but my writing didn't really start to develop until she mentored me in seventh grade. I still have many of the pieces I wrote; everything from poetry to Literary Magazines to essays. I loved those early pieces of writing and know they built the foundation for what was to come later in life.

Then, in college, I was exposed to freshman writing and the intense literature searches and reviews that happen for term papers. One of the greatest writing lessons came from one of my health education professors who simply "You use too many words" on the bottom of one of my papers. He had crossed out every extraneous "that" "the" "this" on my paper. I was stunned at how well my paper read without the extra words and it's a mantra when I write now. "Too many words."

As I've embarked on this crazy idea of a Ph.D. the level of writing has been intense. Course work required a large amount of writing, but completing the comprehensive exams is a whole new ball game. The time, energy, focus, and dedication that it takes is remarkable. I've learned that when I write I get in the zone - no extra noise, no cell phones, no web browser open (unless it's on google scholar or another database). I can't eat while I write and I can't be distracted. Literally, when I choose a day as a writing day I am in silence all day. All that is heard is the click clack of the keyboard. I can't have anything extra around me.

And so, if you are trying to reach me and I don't pick up or you've emailed me and I haven't answered it isn't likely that I've run off to Canada. I am probably just stuck upstairs at my massive work station writing to save my life.

Don't take it personally. Belle doesn't.

SRCD Poster

Here is the poster I presented at SRCD. It is quite basic, but leaves room for further study expansion....not that you can read it from here!

The Hendrix, Joplin, Vaughn, Stones, and Beatles of Human Development.

I can't believe I forgot to mention this in my previous post...

There are some things in life that leave your jaw hanging to the floor. Events so momentous that it's surreal. People become unlikely "rock stars" when you are a geek, and that's what happened for me at the SRCD conference.

A few semesters back I was required to take Research in Life Course Studies as part of the core curriculum for my degree. What the hell is "Life Course Studies and how is it different from everything else I've learned?" was my initial thought. And then the semester was over and I was captured by this way of thinking. It was everything that I believed all rolled into one approach. Life Course theory posits:

- Development is continuous, rather than stage based (like Piaget proposed) and continues across the life span. Development doesn't stop at adolescence, and adolescence doesn't stop at the age of 18.

-Timing matters. When an event occurs has a great impact on the individual. For instance, poverty faced by very young children fare worse than when poverty occurs in adolescence.

-People have agency that allows them to change their trajectories in life. Just because someone comes from something really good, doesn't mean that it will stay really good just because. Their life choices impacts their trajectory.

-Development is based on linked lives. People impact each other and decisions have a ripple effect on those around us.

This theory was first proposed by Glen Elder as a young academic at the University of California - Berkeley. He had longitudinal data that followed two cohorts of children raised during the Great Depression; one group age 8 and over and one group under the age of 1 at the beginning if the depression. Following their careers, service in World War II, family development, marriages, etc. he developed this theory and it has strongly impacted the way that sociologists, developmental psychologists, and human developers view human development. It has especially impacted the study of the impact of poverty on children, a topic for which I am passionate. If I weren't studying adolescent relationships I would be studying rural poverty (and likely will some day).

So, back to the story...

Friday morning I walk in to hear three papers presented on life course studies in child development. I sit down at a table and sitting at the very next table over is Glen Elder. GLEN ELDER. And then walks in Rich Lerner. And then Jeanne Brooks-Gunn (who has been CRAZY influential on my own thinking and research). Jackie Eccles was supposed to be there, but had to cancel last minute. I could not believe it. Although it wasn't publicized as such, it was a session to honor the work of Elder and to explore the magnitude of the impact it's had on contemporary research. It was an incredible experience and I just kept thinking to myself "This is like having Hendrix, Joplin, and Vaugh in the same room." I could not believe it.

I embrace my geekiness and I hope you will, too!

Montreal? Oui! Oui!

It's under my belt; my first academic conference. I've been to many professional conferences fo a variety or jobs (tobacco prevention/policy, college peer education, healthy communities/healthy youth, after school...), but I had never been to a fully academic, research driven conference. It was the answer to question that always came up for me at the professional conferences..."Where's the research driving this practice, policy, program, etc?" There was rarely original research or studies mentioned at the professional conferences. This past week answered the question for me. The research is at places like the biannual Society for Research in Child Development conference (SRCD), which interestingly left me asking the question "Where's the practical application of this? What's the value of the research?" It's odd to be straddling the line right now between program and research, but it's one that I enjoy.

Since my research focus is on adolescent relationships, most of my time was spent listening to recent research on the development of dating and romantic relationships for young people. When I looked at the program like the SRCD conference I had an overwhelming feeling that I didn't have an original thought in my head. Although authentic exploration of the development of adolescent dating relationships is only a decade old, not much has been done since 1999, although there is some. When proposing dissertation work the idea is to extend an old project, address a "gap in the literature," or apply a study to a new context. I was concerned that my research didn't meet any of these three areas. After sitting through many presentations concerning adolescent research I was reassured concerning the direction of my research. Although we know much about middle and late adolescent relationships (and sex, and alcohol use, and partner violence), we know little about the transition from same-sex friendships to early dating relationships, especially when considering the role of gender in these transitions.

As I face the completion of my comprehensive exams, I must start thinking about designing my study. The proposal comes next, followed by the proposal defense. It isn't until that point that I can begin my dissertation work and start collecting data, i.e. "the fun stuff."

It's exhausting work and unless you've been through it, you can't fully understand the demands of working on a dissertation. It's (as I've mentioned previously) a selfish project, because it requires it to be so. Every thought triggers an approach, a question, or a new research domain; the brain never turns off. There is guilt when writing doesn't happen. There is an ever-pressing need to keep moving to maintain the momentum that comes with all things Ph.D. I am busier now than I was when I was working full-time. And I like it.

I've always known that I would someday complete a doctorate, or rather I hoped that I would. I come from stock that doesn't necessarily "get" or value formal education. They've learned what they know from getting up early, working hard, using their hands, making resources stretch....and I respect that, but it's not my way. My thinking has gotten me into trouble more than once and I expect that it will continue to get me in some trouble along the way.

And so I've returned from Montreal exhausted, but recharged. I am reassured in my topic and question and know that what I am doing is important work. It might not be important to everyone in my life, but it's important to me. And that's what matters right now.

Montreal Bound

This week has really focused on preparation for my poster submission for the Society for Research on Child Development conference this week later in Montreal. It's been an interesting process to prepare a document that large (36" x 56") and I am not entirely happy with it. There are a couple of typos and the spacing looks weird. Did I mention that I am not overly happy with it? I worked on it a bit this morning and have grappled whether or not to have it reprinted. It wasn't horribly expensive, but it wasn't exactly dirt cheap, either. In any case, it appears that the poster will be presented as is....typos and all. My favorite typo? The word that is supposed to read "assume," but instead reads "assme." Rock on.

Necessary selfishness...

This is my fourth year having a go at this PhD thing. It's been a long, arduous, intense process that is hard to understand unless you've been there. It requires a high level of selfishness, being able to say no when you'd really like to say yes, spending hours and hours in front of the computer, carrying research articles in your purse that doubles as a book bag, and a constant background hum of your research design in the back of your mind. Even when engaging in the most mundane task like washing dishes - I find myself thinking about the difference between an exploratory factor analysis and a confirmatory factor analysis. Am I really considering a mixed methods approach, which is two dissertation studies in one, doubling the time it takes to analyze and report? Do I have the patience to code interviews, focus groups, observations? Do I know how to adequately clean data and run theoretically and statistically sound tests to analyze data? I don't know.

But what I do know is this: I am too far in to back out now. Someone asked me one day how many credits I've completed. The Warner School's PhD program in Human Development requires 90 credits, including transferred masters credits and dissertation work. I've currently completed 113 credits (including my masters credits) and will have completed 120 by the end of the semester. I am finishing the third of three comprehensive exams and will next write my proposal. IF I finish the proposal by the end of this semester I am on track to graduate in May 2012. That's right. One more year, bringing the grand total to FIVE YEARS. There are some people who take eleven, or seven, or never.

Not me. I am all in.

Research really is "me" search.

My 12-year old self showed up this morning. Unexpectedly. Seemingly out of the blue. I know she's been there a long time just waiting for the right moment to come back to me. And I've welcomed her, even though she's brought a flood of emotions back to me.

On the outside I am told that I convey confidence, strength, wisdom, intelligence, competence. On the inside? Well, that's an entirely different story. On the inside I am insecure, scared, unsure of myself, of my feelings, of my future. I understand my past all too well and now I know that I am understanding my future, too.

You see, I am a relationship sabotager. Actually, I am a self-sabotager. If there is something unhealthy about a relationship, I'm all in. If the man is unavailable, arrogant, psychologically dismissive and distant I'm there. I'm there. Why?

Without sounding too cheesy, I've had a serious "a ha!" moment. If you are reading this blog you probably already know that I am working on a Ph.D. in human development. There are a million directions one can go with topics concerning the life span and how an individual becomes who they are throughout the processes in their life. Me? I've chosen adolescent romantic relationships. What I thought was just an interest is actually my life history. MY life story. I've tried to ignore this fact for a really, reeeeally long time.

Wham. Too late.

Here goes...

When I was 11 or 12 I got my first "boyfriend." He was considerably older and I was new to my school. Just entering the seventh grade, my family had moved from our hometown in Pennsylvania to a small town in New York just outside of Ithaca. I was struggling to make new friends and fit into the new school and did so pretty well. He was popular in an odd kind of way, far less ambitious or academically motivated than myself, but I was new and I thought I'd give it a try.

Once I got in I couldn't get out.

At 12 years old I was in an abusive relationship, unable to move away from the control, the possessiveness, the anger that came along with it. I tried. Believe me. I tried. I played sports. I went to friend's houses. I lied. I tried to get away, but he had a strong hold; physically, mentally, socially.

And then in eighth grade I told my school guidance counselor/volleyball coach. I trusted her. She let me down. "Don't you think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is?" she said. And I stuffed it down for another year and a half. And then I stuffed it down until I went to college. And I kept stuffing it down until there wasn't any part of me that wasn't full of it.

Long story short and sparing many, many details it's had a lasting impact on my life, on my family, on my relationships, on my psyche on every last little part of me. The pain and confusion and lack of understanding of myself and my world has brought me to this point in my life. I realize now that my research is my own search for an understanding of my self.

And so here I sit with my 12-year old self next to me; encouraging me to speak now what I couldn't speak then. To say now what wasn't heard then. To write now what wouldn't have been read then.

And to the "boyfriend"? If you are reading this (and you know who you are) you fucked up my life. YOU FUCKED UP MY LIFE. You and your selfish, insecure, pitiful self FUCKED UP MY LIFE, but I am a fighter and a writer and a bitch and you will not win. Me and Karma are coming for you.

This will not beat me. My 12-year old self will not feel small and insecure any more.

It's game time and it's on.